Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
