when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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