Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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