She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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