youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize