how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
