I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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