Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize