4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
