I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize