Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
