Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
