if i can run in heels then i can drive
Little spoons don't ask big questions
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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