Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
