i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
