i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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