I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
