Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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