btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
