I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
