she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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