I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
