Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
