My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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