The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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