I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
