my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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