my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
