Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
