High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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