so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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