Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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