you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
