So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
