this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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