Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
