so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
