Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
