the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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