life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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