Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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