is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
