what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
