I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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