He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
