Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
