I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
