Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
