Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The best revenge is premature balding
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
