Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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