wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize