dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
