Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
