I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
