she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
