So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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