Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
