dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
