How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
