remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
